Outer Limits

 Where to begin?

When will it end?

What do I need?

How do I get it?

Who am I?

I’ll tell you who you are.

This is what I would like to say to you, although it would do no good and would probably be harmful, but this is what I would like to say and that is —

If you ever really looked at yourself,

if you ever really examined your own soul and understood what a useless piece of garbage you’ve become you would either kill yourself or, maybe, have a chance literally in Hell to change yourself and break free from the karmic pull or whatever the fuck kind of conditioning that has you trapped in this wretched state of deluded perdition — I mean you keep saying I’m living in a bubble. But you don’t live in a bubble. You ARE a bubble. You are an inflated nothing, a thin skin overinflated with a foul gas that is going to explode any moment and I don’t want to be here when it does. I don’t want to be sprayed with microdroplets of what ever ungodly goo makes up your essence. 

I know it would do no good to tell you this.

I know exactly what your rejoinder would be.

You will say — Oh, that is very interesting, you are obviously projecting.

Right! You think I’m projecting?

FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU TO HELL YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF FILTHY GARBAGE.

FUCK YOU TO HELL.

No wonder I read books with titles like Introduction to Awareness.

No wonder I am afraid of death. I must be afraid of myself. Afraid of the nothing I am afraid I am.

Where to begin? 

Cyclic existence is without beginning or end, I read.

4:30AM, my usual time, to be up and drinking coffee. I was asleep at midnight, as usual, but got up to pee at 12:29. All was quiet. I slept through any celebrating. Someone  texted me Happy New Year and I reply Happy 2 0 2 2 2 U 2.

Holy Spirit search my mind.

I’m immersed in a theological stew of mythology and verbal fabrication. 

From outside of time, search my mind.

Nothing is known of the beginning, the sage said.

Cyclic existence has no beginning. 

Nothing has a beginning. 

I don’t have a beginning.

Is it necessary to accept a doctrine of reincarnation to understand cyclic existence?

What is passed down the generations?

What has been passed down that we have forgotten?

Why do the same conflicts keep coming up, never resolved?

Why are the poor always with us?

Why are the crucifiers always with us? 

The lynch mobs?

When to begin?

Dormitory cosmologists try to conceive of a beginning of time and an end of endlessness, but to conceive of a universe even if it is only one of countless multiverses is to conceive of everything as a “thing,” is to think of everything as having limits. That’s reification, man, you don’t want to do that.

Outer Limits. Do not adjust your meaning system. We control the vertical and horizontal and we know what we’re doing.

I wake up at 1AM from a horrible dream. 

I neglected to close you up — those are the words in the dream —  I didn’t close you up and the image is of a body that has been cut open for surgery or autopsy and hasn’t been closed up and because of that, that’s what’s wrong now.

What is it about yourself do you think hasn’t been closed up? someone asks.

I don’t know where to begin, but this is my stop, so this is the end.